Lessons from the House of Mourning

[‘From the Minister’s Study’ column for local newspaper The Citizen]

Ralph Waldo Emerson observed, “Sorrow makes us all children again, destroys all differences in intellect. The wisest knows nothing.”

It is a month since my wife died. It was about as peaceful a demise as one could wish for – at home, with one’s spouse and a caring Personal Support Worker at one’s side, the community nurse there just moments before; a mercifully swift and relatively painless cessation of 15 years’ battling a brain tumour. As Yvonne’s husband I was blessed with the support of many from the medical side of things and also our own friends and church family. But it is still a huge loss. As a spouse one feels suddenly lopsided, there’s a huge hole because one’s sole long-term partner – one’s “soul mate” for what would have been 40 years of marriage this month – is suddenly no longer there.

Before such loss, such sorrow, as Emerson says, we are ‘all children again’. Intellectual prowess cannot satisfactorily debate grief. Still, what can we learn from this experience? Ecclesiastes 7:2 notes, “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.” As we “take to heart” another’s demise, what may God be trying to teach us?

It certainly helps us develop empathy with others who have lost their spouse. Sometimes this is through death; other times it is through divorce, which has its own kind of grief attached to it. In Canada, the Vanier Institute of the family found the divorce rate was 38% (based on 2006 data). So out of 100 marriages involving 200 people, on average nationally 76 people (38 marriages) will suffer the grief of divorce; of the remaining 62 marriages or 124 people, half – 62 persons – will suffer the grief of widowhood. Overall, then, it would seem likely more people will suffer the grief of divorce than of widowhood.

The Apostle Paul enjoined Christians, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15) When Jesus arrived at the home of Mary and Martha, even though He would soon raise Lazarus from the dead, we read: “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” (John 11:33) A caring response to those who mourn is to weep with them, share their sense of loss, show them by the simplest of gestures that we love them and participate in their grief. “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” (Wm. Shakespeare)

Another lesson death teaches us is to not be presumptuous about our own longevity, or too cocky about our own potential success. Life is fragile and we cannot bank on tomorrow. Psalm 90 purports to be “A prayer of Moses the man of God” – it does reflect a profound appreciation for life’s transitoriness, describing how God “sweep[s] men away in the sleep of death” (v.5). “The length of our days is seventy years – or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away... Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Ps. 90:10,12)

Now that my wife has died, I am certainly glad I set some boundaries (with her prompting and support) early on in my ministry to guard against spending too many hours on the job (target of normally no more than 3 evenings out per week for church work, for example). Your time with your spouse is limited. You may not have golden retirement years together. Is it really worth the toll on your marriage and children to put in all those extra overtime hours in order to get that job promotion or pay raise? Once they’re dead, money can’t bring them back! Be taught to number your days aright; become wise in your use of time.

James reproaches the arrogance of those who bank on tomorrow, assuming they will have many years to live. “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” (James 4:13f) A sudden unexpected diagnosis like brain cancer, or debilitating disease like MS, can suddenly throw those big-bucks plans out the window. Are you cultivating a quality relationship with your spouse that does not depend on amassing a fortune? Can you treasure each day together, the simplest date spontaneities?

For me, the thing my spouse’s premature demise has most impressed on me is the preciousness of our shared Christian faith. People commented on the uplifting tone of Yvonne’s funeral, spurred on by the music she specifically chose in advance, reinforced by the testimony of those who knew her, valued her character, and vouched for her trust in Jesus her Saviour. Death has a way of forcing us to re-evaluate all we consider most important about life: what are our rock-bottom non-negotiables?

The Apostle Paul rehearsed for the church at Corinth the facts he considered to be “of first importance”, namely – “that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures...” (1Cor.15:3f) How can we be sure of this? Because the earliest eyewitnesses testified about this on pain of death.  If you think about it, it’s death in fact that underlines or guarantees the veracity of the resurrection account: all of Jesus’ disciples (apart from Judas, of course) were killed refusing to back down from their conviction that Jesus had risen from the dead. People don’t die for what they know to be a lie.

Before death, Jesus promised the Twelve, “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” (John 14:3) Paul explained his preference would be to depart and be with Christ which is “better by far” than this earthly life (Philippians 1:23). I couldn’t wish Yvonne back! These fundamental scripture truths give assurance that my loved one is now being cared for by One who fashioned her in the womb and loved her profoundly long before I ever knew her – and will continue doing so on into eternity. So as Paul puts it, we who trust in Christ do not “grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”

The ‘house of mourning’ has valuable lessons for us, if we will take them to heart. The mortality rate is still 100%. Better to prepare for the inevitable now than be taken by surprise. Woody Allen quipped, “It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Don’t suppose you will somehow magically be let off the hook. Pulitzer-winning bestselling author William Saroyan lay dying in New York city of cancer, which had spread to several of his vital organs. One evening he placed a call to Associated Press. Identifying himself to the reporter who answered his call, he said: “Everybody has got to die. But I have always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what?” And then he hung up the phone.