(clergy column for The Citizen newspaper)
Hurray,
we’re past January! The days are starting (almost imperceptibly) to get longer.
Yet, it’s still winter. And that means – Valentine’s Day is just around the
corner! It’s time to snuggle up and keep warm with your significant other (if
that applies – if you’re single, maybe you can apply some of this article to a
dear friend).
However,
relationships are not always warm and summery. In marriages, we get to know our
spouse better than likely any other person on the planet would – warts and all.
And sometimes we can be oh-so-nice to casual acquaintances, yet somehow reserve
toxins to spew on those with whom we are most familiar. After all, we typically
feel ‘safe’ with those closest to us, so sometimes we’re less guarded in what
we say and let hurtful raw feelings and statements slip out.
If our
significant other is giving us the ‘cold shoulder’, what can we do to win them
back? How can we coax our Valentine into a less wintry attitude?
Relationship
experts Gary, Deborah, and Greg Smalley authored guidance on how to win back
one’s spouse if the two of you have drifted apart. Let’s look at some of their
advice – whether it be for a marriage or dating relationship, or just to
rekindle a friendship with someone you used to hang out with but have become
somewhat estranged from.
To begin, we
can attempt to open their spirit if it’s closed. Some reasons others begin to
wall themselves off from us include: speaking harshly; discounting their
opinions; taking them for granted; being sarcastic; not trusting them; being
rude; or ignoring their needs. If that’s the case, we can try to become more
tender towards them. “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps
himself under control.” (Prov. 29:11) Compassion, kindness, and understanding
are called for. Try to understand what they’ve gone through; when we really
listen to a person, they’ll sense our attention is fully on them. Try to use
“I” statements instead of accusatory “you” statements. Acknowledge they’re
hurting, then admit your mistake(s) and seek forgiveness. God will forgive our
sins if we confess them to Him (1John 1:9); we can bring that same grace to our
relationships with other people. Show genuine repentance where that is called
for on your part; "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the
humble." (James 4:6)
Another way
we can help repair a relationship is by honouring the other person. Use words
of praise, appreciation, and combine that with acts of practical service. Treat
them with dignity and respect whenever you have contact with them. The Apostle
Paul admonished the early followers of Jesus, “Be devoted to one another in
brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves." (Rom. 12:10)
We may need
to develop a habit of sacrificial love – love that puts the other person’s
interests above my own. That’s not easy in an individualistic, self-focused,
pleasure-seeking culture! But it invests relational capital heavily. In
marriage, this translates into husbands on occasion laying down their own
wishes for the sake of their wife: “The husband must give his wife the same
sort of love that Christ gave to the Church, when he sacrificed himself for
her." (Eph.5:25) Jesus modeled this by becoming a servant for His
disciples – He redefined servanthood as ‘greatness’ (cf. Matt. 23:11). Perhaps
love would mean sharing finances if the other person is encountering hardship.
Or just offering a helping hand.
Perhaps what
would really help is some change on our part. Change can require a shift in our
mental, physical, spiritual, or social habits. Do you regularly do things
together? How’s your work/life balance? Does your outward appearance put them
off because you’re disheveled? Are you keeping up your walk with God, and open
to discussing spiritual topics? Can you share from a recent book you’ve read,
or talk about what’s happening in the world at large? New topics can spark
fresh interest.
Whether or
not we’re successful in renewing a relationship with a former friend or our
significant other, the goal is not ultimately in strengthening that bond alone,
but in developing a deeper intimacy with the Lord ourselves. The prophet Samuel
explained to King Saul that the responsibility of leading the nation was about
to be transferred to a person (David) who made God’s priorities his own: “The
Lord has sought out a man after his own heart, and the Lord has commanded him
to be prince over his people, because you have not kept what the Lord commanded
you.” (1 Samuel 13:14) Can we truly say we are a person ‘after God’s own
heart’? Are His priorities our own? Or have we relegated what God wants way
down on the shelf, compared to our own goals?
The Smalleys
paraphrase the virtues of a righteous person found in Psalm 112: “ A godly man
fears the Lord and will be remembered forever. He loves God's Word and puts his
trust in the Lord. He is a gracious, compassionate, affectionate, and generous
man. He is secure and knows his true
wealth resides in the Lord, not in his bank account.” How counter-cultural is
that?!
How can we
get there? It starts with making a commitment to the Lord. Paul notes of the
Macedonians, “They gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping
with God's will.” (2Cor.8:5) Give attention to your prayer and devotional life
– focus regularly on God’s word in Scripture, which is a lamp to your feet and
a light to your path. (Ps.119:105) If you haven’t already, turn your life
around by committing your whole being to God... Trust in the fact that Jesus
Christ is the Son of God, the Saviour who came to reconcile us to God the
Father; admit you lived a self-centered sinful life in rebellion and/or
ignorance against God; and pray, inviting Jesus Christ to be the Lord of your
life.
If you are
seeing a trail of failed relationships in your wake, more than likely some
personal Christian counseling could help you address faulty issues and enable
you to see your weaknesses more objectively. “Through presumption comes nothing
but strife, but with those who receive counsel is wisdom.” (Prov. 13:10) Even
if it costs a bit, it’s not just ‘wasted money’ – it’s an investment in
yourself! Roy Bennett has observed, “There is no more profitable investment
than investing in yourself... It is the true way to improve yourself to be the
best version of you and lets you be able to best serve those around you."
And if your relationship (such as a marriage) isn’t perfect – don’t despair! Even the most famous Christians had to overcome weaknesses to have lasting connection. This calls for compassion and loving humility, a willingness to accommodate the other’s quirks. Billy Graham wrote, "Ruth and I don't have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. How can I say two things that seem so contradictory? In a perfect marriage, everything is always the finest and best imaginable; like a Greek statue, the proportions are exact and the finish is unblemished. Who knows any human beings like that? For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in happily-ever-after fairy tales. Ruth likes to say, 'If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.' The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness. 'Happily incompatible' is a good adjustment."
